May 7, 2007

But, Who Am I???

The best thing I ever did for myself was undoubtedly my move to Charlotte for almost 13 good years. Let me tell you why.

As long as I remember, from my pre-teens and even younger, I was never ME. I was always my father’s daughter, my mother’s daughter, the neighbor’s older kid . . .

Then, as I grew older, and moved to Canada, I was the one with the odd accent, and still later, in high school, the class Secretary, the yearbook art editor. The one who couldn’t do math to save her life (still can’t).

I still hadn’t found out who I was, and wasn’t likely to at the rate things were going. I was still my parents’ daughter, a shadow at family gatherings and conventions we were dragged to for years, til I turned 18 when I went to Switzerland for a year. Even there, I was still the daughter of Askell Löve, a well-known professor. Even in Switzerland!

I returned to Canada, started college, and still hadn’t found me. I didn’t really figure out what my major would be for another few years, but passed through several. Languages: I was going to be an interpreter at the United Nations. Geography: Much more interesting, at least that was fun. Art: Now we were getting closer. But I was always doing things OTHER people wanted me to do. Not what I wanted.

OK, so far. I got married. Now I was someone’s wife, then someone’s mother. Then a teacher’s aide, then back to college for journalism. We were getting closer now. Journalism led me to photography which was much more satisfying than painting or drawing had ever been. I lived life for a long time looking through a camera lens. And writing my assignments on time for the college paper, then for other small papers, then larger ones. But, I still was always identified with other things and people. A mother still. The team mother (kids both played soccer). A neighbor – the one with that funny accent. Still.

Yes, it sounds easy to say all that. But, I was getting more and more depressed, more and more unhappy in general. I got a divorce. Moved out into an apartment. But even then my family hung on to what I SHOULD be.

In the meantime, I found the Internet, and new friends who knew me as ME, but only for the time I was online. I met a few locally, and a lot out of town, online. I was finding who I was, and liked who I was. I didn’t have to pretend, at least not as long as I was online on the computer, on the Net.

One day I decided to start traveling when I could afford to – went back east exploring places I’d want to live in – New England was on my short list. Then I found North Carolina. Charlotte, to be exact. It had the best of everything I wanted in a place to live. It was across the country from those I felt were smothering me out of existence. It was a friendly city. It was near both mountains and the Atlantic. Finally I could have my cod, haddock and flounder again!

Best of all, I could be ME, the way I wanted to be. I found I had a sense of humor. I found things I could do well and enjoy doing. This time behind a television camera from time to time, and as a writer of short and helpful “news” segments for a program run by senior citizens by seniors, all the way. My element! I was useful and having fun. And discovered that people liked ME.

I found myself! And I like who I am, even if I’m back in California, living near the girls who are now grown up themselves, living in my hold house, in my old neighborhood. But, now there is a difference. I am making a difference.

At last.